The Struggle
by HappyChai
Summary: Kagome's day to day struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder and manic-depression. Rated for mature content.


I hate loving someone who can't love me back..  
  
This all started about six months ago. I'd had some anxiety issues, dealing with the stress of fighting and defeating Naraku, when things took a turn for the worst. Suddenly, I couldn't handle it anymore- I couldn't handle Inuyasha, Shippou, or any of my friends. I could barely get up in the morning, and spent whole days at home, in bed.  
  
Inuyasha had grown up- we'd been dating for almost two years by now, and we spent all of our time together. But something was changing. as my depression got worse, I needed more support, and he was the only one that I really trusted. I called him at all hours, needing a hug or a helping hand, and he was always there. It seemed, to him, that his entire life had begun to revolve around me.  
  
Then, in July, it happened. My first real manic period. Kami, I'd been completely out of control. I'd gone back to my own time and maxed out my credit card, buying expensive gifts for everyone. I was doing something all of time ; shard hunting, playing, cleaning up the village, helping Kaede, cleaning my house, shopping. I didn't sleep, hardly ate. and I was mentally out of control. I would bound out of the Bone Eater's Well, hugging everyone one minute, then the next be screaming in frustration because it felt like the world couldn't keep up to my pace. The worst part was Kouga. Inuyasha was gone for a few days, visiting Sesshomaru, when I found Kouga. For once, I couldn't resist his advances, and I was so drunk off of my own brain that it was impossible for me to think about consequences.  
  
The next morning I woke up and realized what had happened. and it all came crashing down. I couldn't believe what I had done. not only to Inuyasha, but to Kouga, and myself. That's when I started cutting.  
  
At first it was only scratching, with whatever I could find ; house keys, a needle, a stitch ripper, which I used to gouge three long strips of skin from my arm. I tried to explain everything to Inuyasha who, to his credit, stayed by me, offering me forgiveness. But I couldn't forgive myself.  
  
Soon, I was cutting every few days- now with razor blades, so I would bleed. My arms were covered in scabs and scars, and I hated myself everytime I saw them, but I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. I started going home a lot more too, drinking, and smoking the Mary-Jane. I started chain- smoking cigarettes, all to aleve my pain, but it wasn't enough. For what I had done, I wanted to die. I deserved to die.  
  
Inuyasha tried to stay with me, as long as he could, but it took it's toll. I was still friends with Kouga- I was trying to pretend that nothing had ever happened. But the final straw came three weeks after the Kouga incident- the anniversary of Inuyasha's mother's death.  
  
"Kagome, please," he held me tightly. "Please stay with me tonight."  
"I promise," I had whispered.  
  
But halfway through the night I couldn't take it anymore, and snuck off to the Bone Eater's Well, and a friend's party. Hours later, high and drunk, I came back to the Feudal Era, and promptly fell asleep in Inuyasha's arms.  
  
The next day he told me he could no longer be with me.  
  
That was three months and a half months ago. He had made it plain that we were never getting back together. We're still best friends, but the relationship is just getting over the awkward stage.  
  
My depression had gotten to the point where my mother had finally been forced to take notice, and I'm now in therapy once a week, and taking medication. I can no longer stay in the Feudal Era for weeks at a time- it's rare that I ever stay overnight. Things have changed beyond recognition.  
  
Kaede doesn't treat me like someone she respects- she can't stand that I've used drugs to forget. Sango and Miroku keep the conversation to small talk, but mostly they act like I'm fragile and broken. We don't do a lot together. What hurts me the most is Shippou- he doesn't understand. He can't grasp why I can't just make myself happy again, or why I feel the need to cut.  
"Please, Kagome.. Why can't you just be happy?"  
  
The worst is Inuyasha. I can't stand it sometimes. it's so hard. When he hugs me I still melt, I still love him. but he's trying his best to get over me. He's finally gotten his life back, and he believes that his quality of life is better than it was when he was with me. The truth hurts. I still cry at night. I miss him so much. I can't lean on him like I used to- I have no right, I never did. I was ruining his life.  
  
Every day I grow more and more alone. I sit at home all day, sometimes baking something simple. About once a week I take a two-hour trip to the Feudal Era. I hate being alone.  
  
This is my story.  
  
This is my first Inuyasha fanfic, I have a few Transformers ones as well. I'm considering writing the rest of the fic- if you want to read it, r&r! 


End file.
